Day 16 of the ‘Post A Day 2011′ challenge: Describe the wackiest but most useful advice you’ve ever received.
The relationships in my life have been interesting. Not always successful or happy, but I must say they were fascinating and educational. They molded me into the independent woman I am today and for that I thank Marc, Bert, Stephen and others.
‘You’re sixteen, you’re beautiful and you’re mine!’, was what my first boyfriend Marc used to sing when we started dating. Marc was three years my senior, almost graduating, he had a car and was an ‘adult’. Things you look up to when you’re a teenager. The thing that attracted me most though, was the fact that he had a dog, Duke. A very funny dog.
Marc and I dated for nine months and then my parents gave me the kind advice to stop it. Or better yet, they showed me the truth about his so called faithfulness. Which was only illusionary. When confronted with my questions, he shrugged his shoulders, admitted it and wanted his photos back. So much for true love.
The next day I walked up to Marc at school where he was surrounded by his buddies. He was trying very hard to look superior and looked down at me. ‘Ah, you brought the pictures, good girl,’ he said. I smiled, though I was crying inside, and said ‘Yes Marc, here are your pictures. But I’ll keep Duke’s photo’s, he’s the only good character in them!’ His friends roared with laughter and patted me on the back. Marc suddenly didn’t look so snug anymore. I walked away. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for this good advice! And I wouldn’t dare to call you wacky!
In university I met Bert. A very easy name because my brother listens to that name too. Sometimes. Ah glorious student life. Leaving my safe nest in the south-east of Holland, I moved a bit to the north. With my family a 1.5 hour drive away – or 2.5 hours by train in total – I soon learned to take care of myself. This quest into grown-up life was fascinating. I met new people, became a vegetarian, discovered the night life of Breda, o yes, and studied of course. Sometimes. Bert and me were close friends, we visited his mom and my parents, a great time. Until he accepted an internship in Africa for three months and came back with malaria, a love for cannabis and another woman. I didn’t take his advice for a three-way love. That must be the wackiest advice I ever got from someone, and it was useful too: I said ‘No thank you and goodbye’.
Then came the most turbulent period in my life: somehow I ended up in a relationship with Stephen. Stephen was a tall lean man from Curacao, one of the best salsa dancers and black. We first met in a bar, and when I looked into those dark brown eyes when he asked me to dance, I was lost. He learned me to dance like in the ‘Dirty Dancing’ movie. I was Baby and he was Johnny. Boy o boy, that stirred up quite a bit of turbulence.
I will not go into details, but this guy almost was the undoing of me. For well over two years I have been fighting for this relationship. Too lazy to keep a real job, other women. And the most talented smooth talker on this planet. When I was about to quit, he always managed to convince me to stay with him. Those mean stories about him were not true, he was true to me. With some friends to back him up every single time. My own friends advised my urgently to stop, but I just couldn’t.
Until the day he laid his hands on me – or around my throat I must say – I was finally strong enough to kick him out and keep him out. He wanted back in and I had to get police protection. In the end I weighed only 90 pounds and was a wreck. My family and friends hauled me back on my feet. Their advice had not been wacky but very useful.
After this I had enough of exotic men and wanted peace and quiet in my life. I married, got two beautiful and great sons and my life rippled onwards with no further calamities. I wasn’t deliriously happy, only merely content, not alive but living.
Suddenly my body hit the brakes. You can read about this in When the muse hit me… ever so gently. It meant the end of my marriage – thrown back as I was into the core of my being, unable to avoid the unpleasant and unsatisfactory aspects of that relationship anymore by escaping in sports – I had to face the truth: life was too precious to live my life this way. Better to be alone on my own, than lonely with my husband. No advice this time, but still a very useful step. And even though it hurt and was very hard, also for our sons, I never regretted my decision to get a divorce.
* Are you still with me? This post is getting much more elaborate than I expected when I began this story! Sorry, it won’t be long now! *
Fed up with men in general I found satisfactory companionship in writing, in my friendships, in my kids and finally became happy again. After two years a blind date – through a co-worker of mine – resulted in a new partner. Remco was a sweet man, very good to me and we had fun together for almost three years. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t break down the wall around my heart. And he wasn’t strong enough to tear it down either. He was more of a pal than a companion and I couldn’t be together with him longer than a few days without getting irritated, longing to be left alone. Again my friends advised me to stop: both for his and my sake. And I finally let go and finished it. Love was not meant for me, by this time apparently I was too strong and independent to ever have a true relationship.
And then came the wacky advice I was working my way to through this post: ‘Mar, find a love online!’ I have spent a big part of the last ten years online, gaming, writing and meeting people. But online dating? NO WAY! Of course by this time, I had learned to heed the advice of my friends. So I bought a six month membership of Lexa. Again very interesting, but if you’re talking wacky, this was four-square wacky! Men twenty years older than me got mad when I politely turned down their interest. Men twenty years younger got nasty when I politely turned them down. When I was at work, a pop up appeared in my screen while checking my Lexa mail and a complete stranger called me honey, sweetheart and gave me kisses online. I deleted my account.
But Suzan, one of my best friends, didn’t give up in her wish to see me happy and told me about another dating site: Relation Planet. Trusting in her judgment, again I bought a membership – for three months. Suzan and me have been cruising this site for many hours, in search of suitable candidates. The man I found here was a writer too. We mailed and then agreed to meet each other. We had a nice dinner, talked for hours in which he told me he was in the middle of a divorce. The week after, he ended whatever could have been.
At that point something snapped inside of me and I deleted my carefully constructed profile on Relation Planet. To hell with love! In stead I published this text: A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. I was totally fed up with it all.
<< thanks for the image Marcel! 😀
Now guess who was intrigued by this provocative statement… Yes, my Vman! Since May 2008 we’ve been together and the only things that remain of my heart’s wall are a couple of tiny stone fragments I keep as memory.
So THANK YOU Suzan, for giving me the wackiest, yet most useful advice of my life. And THANK YOU Vman, for wanting my wacky love and returning it tenfold. I love you.
Figments of a DuTchess 